Tight pants are having a moment. Unfortunately they often take more than a moment to get them on!
Say what you will about flares or wide-leg pants making a comeback but skinny jeans, crops, leggings and everything in between are still filling store shelves. We’re going on more than a decade of this slim-legged trend. And honestly I’m not mad about it. Fashion’s greatest gift for girls with athletic thighs like mine are jeggings! (True story: I have “hulked” through no less than three pairs of denim with my killer quads.) Plus they tuck so much better into riding boots. But sometimes this fashion trend comes with a (hilarious) price.Doing the tight pants dance
Getting them on requires some special skills. Who hasn’t done their own version of wiggling, lunging, squatting, kicking and yanking to get on a pair that’s more denim than stretch? I call my personal move the Upside-Down Squid Being Electrocuted. Try it, you’ll love it!
Boys steal your pants
I once faced down an emo teen boy at a thrift store over the perfect pair of black, destroyed women’s skinnies. I won but only because he was temporarily disoriented by the bangs covering his eyes. Although my victory was tinged with sadness when I got home and had to confess they probably would have looked better on his skinny-thighed no-hips frame than my more womanly one. And I’m not the only girl to complain about a dude taking her pants. What does it say about us when women’s jeans look better on some men?
You get panty lines
Denim used to be the one fabric you never had to worry about panty lines with. Sadly those halcyon days of blissful granny panties are gone thanks to ultra-tight pants making sure your Victoria’s Secrets aren’t a secret. Now it’s a thong or commando.
Getting tight pants on your kids is the worst
Skinny jeans are one trend that doesn’t translate well to small children. Not only is it painful to wrestle their little spaghetti limbs into what are essentially Barbie clothes but they hate wearing anything that restricts their movement, even in the name of fashion. I don’t even know why they make toddler-sized skinny jeans. OK, yes I do: They’re adorable…if you can get your kid to wear them. (Exception to the rule: Cotton leggings, which my daughter lives in.)
If flares and bellbottoms do one thing really well, it’s make your feet look tiny. Not that I’m ashamed of my foot size or anything but when the ankle of your pants is super tight it does sometimes make your feet look giant. But worse than looks are when the ankles are so tight you need a shoe horn just to get your feet through the bottom of the pants! And heaven help you when it’s time to take them off again. There was a reason that skinnies in the ’80s had ankle zips, just saying.
Speaking of taking them off
If you thought the tight pants dance is entertaining to get them on then you’ll love the aerobic workout you’ll get taking them off again! I once had to have a friend come in the dressing room and yank the pants over my feet while I laid on my back. I bought the jeans anyhow. What? They make my butt look amazing! Besides, what are best friends for if not to save you from having to run into public half-naked?
As a girl who lives in her gym leggings, I can tell you I’ve had to learn by experience to do the “squat test” in front of the mirror before buying. When your pants are tight, they have to stretch when you bend — not a problem when the material is thick. But the stretchier the pants, the thinner the material, it seems. So instead of plumber’s crack, now you have peek-a-boo yoga crack. (Why is “yoga crack” not a thing yet?!)